Chapter Text
She put her robe on, raced down the stairs, but then slowed down to walk nonchalantly through the patio door into the backyard. She didn’t want him to leave, but she also didn’t want him to know that. She wondered how long they’d place games like these. She slid the glass door behind her and Rick walked up to her. He had both shoes in his hands and placed it into her arms, but didn’t step back.
“Some friend you got…”
Diane didn’t say anything. If she knew anything about Rick, it was that he wouldn’t do something unless he wanted to. And he was here. He came to find her after Caroline. He suffered through a night at the drive-in. He somehow let Betty convince him to even come back at night and do something insanely embarrassing. And still here he stood. She held his gaze, she could almost feel his brain spinning. Such unusual, uncomfortable settings he was dragging himself through. She smiled.
“Would you want to take a walk? He asked, hesitation clear in his voice. “A walk, with me? N-not necessarily to go anywhere, just…” he passed a hand through his hair and looked away. “You know…”
“I would like that.” Diane’s voice was filled with warmth. “Let me just grab a jacket instead of this.”
She took in the shoes inside, and went upstairs to change. She was exhausted, but it felt like a moment she shouldn’t pass up - she hoped time would prove her right. Still in her quiet bedroom, changing into pants and a t-shirt, she wondered if going forward was the right thing to do. Everything was on the verge of changing in a way neither of them would be able to take back. Part of her wanted this very much, and had for longer than she dared to admit. Another part, however…
Rick felt awkward waiting for her to return, he could imagine her walking about her room by the way the light flickered back down at him. He could feel his stomach starting to twist. Maybe he should run, but what would that achieve? Her bedroom light went off, and Rick took a deep breath.
Diane slid back into the backyard, having traded her terrycloth housecoat for a light trench coat.
“Shall we?”
“Anywhere particular you want to go? This is more your area…”
“At the end of our street if we make a right then go down Spencer St, there’s a small park. We could head there and see?”
Rick nodded. He couldn’t think of what to do with his hands and suddenly they seemed to be a problem. He shoved them both in his pant pockets.
Diane was playing with her coat’s belt as she walked. Clearly, neither of them wanted to open the discussion, they walked silently, listening to the neighbourhood sounds. Rick had been so bold earlier, but all his bravado had evaporated now. It amused Diane and she wanted to comment on it, but she figured digs weren’t going to take her where she wanted to go.
“Maybe.” Diane said suddenly.
Rick looked at her, thankful she broke the silence but confused. “Maybe what?”
“You asked me a question earlier. I didn’t have time to reply.” She gave him a playful side eye. “The answer is maybe.”
Rick smiled. “Oh that wasn’t a question, that was a statement. That was a fact, actually.”
Diane raised both of her eyebrows, playing along. “Is that so?”
Rick nodded. “I can show you the data later.”
Diane laughed. “Yes, I bet you would love that.”
Rick looked away quickly to hide just how right she was. He kicked a small rock down the street in front of him. He wanted to say so much, but no sound made it out of his throat. Silence descended upon the pair again, as they rounded the corner to Spencer Street. He was f*cking this up. Again.
Diane kept twirling her belt. She felt like she should talk, but she didn’t know where to start. Fears? Feelings? Fantasies? She scratched her cheek and cleared her throat.
“Rick, can I tell you something?” He met her eyes, but she couldn’t hold his gaze. He wanted to say anything, you can tell me anything, but his voice would not obey him. Her face was open and vulnerable, and of course she looked so very beautiful in the dim moonlight. He wanted to hold her hand, to let her know he was there, that he wanted to be there, for a while even, that he could envision being by her side, at least for sweet little while… But his hands remained in his pockets, and his mouth kept shut. He hoped she could tell he was serious too, even if all he could do was nod solemnly. Gosh, how could he be so useless.
“When I came here, I was engaged.”
Rick felt he got kicked in the guts in such a harsh way, his breath seemed to have gotten sucked out of his lungs. The violence of the feeling surprised him, so much so that he took in a quick, miscalculated breath and managed to choke on his own saliva, resulting in a brief coughing fit. Diane stepped closer to help, but he put his hands out and motioned that he was fine. She clasped her hands together, this was not exactly how she envisioned this going. He took a couple of raspy breaths, cleared his throat and nodded again, in a bid to get her to continue.
“His name was Henry. We were together for a couple of years, we got engaged mostly because that’s what everybody else did. Because that’s just what you do in my small town. Date for a couple of years, get engaged, get married…” she trailed off. “It’s not really what we wanted, we wanted a more modern way of life but I guess we still felt the need to conform and appease our parents.” She nibbled at her bottom lip. “We weren’t going to get married anytime soon, he had his medical residency to do, and I had this offer, we figured, when we’d be done and I’d move back we could decided where we wanted to settle, but, um…”
Diane looked down, she wondered if she should be honest about the next part.
“I got here and it reminded me so much of everything I’ve ever wanted to accomplish. How stifling I found Muskegon, even if Henry was on the same page - he wanted to leave, he didn’t want children, well, not now, not soon…”
She felt like she was getting off topic, every single thing she said she felt she had to justify with two more statements, the meat of the point getting away from her.
“He was excited for me to get to do this… but then… we visited your office… and your solar system…”
She could see Rick perk up.
“It had nothing to do with you, don’t get excited.”
That did nothing for the smug smile on his face.
“I didn’t know you, so I don’t want you to have any ideas, but I have no real explanation for it. The soft glow of the moon in that system it just… opened my mind. It’s stupid.”
It was stupid, she couldn’t believe she was saying it out loud, and it felt like she was saying it wrong to boot.
“I don’t even know how to describe it, but it made me feel like there was more to rea- that there was more, out there…”
To reach for the MOON?? Is that really what she was about to say earlier before she stopped herself?? So f*cking hack, she hoped Rick hadn’t noticed.
“…more to see, to learn, to experience. That I didn’t even really know myself yet. That Henry and I were the result of our community and our parents’… designs for us. And when I had that thought, something changed. Like something broke, something I couldn’t put back together, no matter how I tried. That the pieces of my life didn’t fit into each other anymore, and wouldn’t ever again… It was such a final feeling…”
She sighed, she hoped she was making sense, but felt like she was just rambling. Her cheeks were on fire and she was shivering from the anguish she was going through, admitting all of this, to Rick, who was just staring ahead intently.
“I went home that weekend and I ended the engagement. If anything, Henry looked relieved as well. I think we both were really trying to be people we weren’t…”
She pinched the bridge of her nose, reliving the memory in a flash. The hug he gave her, their promise to always be friends.
“My parents didn’t take it well and still don’t fully believe it, I don’t think…”
Penelope dramatically clutching her chest and sitting on the couch, basically weeping from the moment she heard, whispering my son, my son, Arnold shaking his head disapprovingly, Henry was perfect for you. She shook her head.
“That’s another story. What I mean is, I felt so liberated, and felt like here I could be my fullest self, my own person on my own.”
She stopped walking. Rick stopped one step ahead and turned to look at her. She held his gaze this time.
“It feels…” She pressed her lips together. “It feels too early for feelings, again.”
Something quickly moved across Rick’s eyes.
“But, obviously, it’s not so much like we decide these things… I guess all this to say that this is not what I had in mind for my year here, it’s… definitely not a situation I had wished to get into, so I don’t quite know how to…”
She looked up at the sky.
“I don’t quite know what to do with this, frankly.”
