Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery - Wikiquote (2024)

For other films in this series, see Austin Powers (film series).

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is a 1997 film about a 1960s hipster secret agent who is brought out of cryofreeze to oppose his greatest enemy in the 1990s where his social attitudes are glaringly out of place.

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers.

• My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? [beat] I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.
• Oh, behave!
• Groovy, baby!
• Let me ask you a question, and be honest. (activates a spinning bed) Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!
• Yeah, baby, yeah!
• Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
• Jimi Hendrix: Deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin: Deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass: Deceased, ham sandwich.
• [after punching what seems to be a waitress] [Mrs. Kensington: Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman?] Right. Let me show you, baby. That ain't no woman. It's a man, man. [pulls off wig, revealing a man in drag; crowd gasps in shock] He's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
• [at the Electric Psychedelic puss*cat Swingers' Club] It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!
• [after getting hit in the head by Random Task's shoe] That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot. Who throws his shoe? Honestly. You fight like a woman.
• It's freedom, baby, yeah!
• [Vanessa catches Austin in his underwear] Vanessa, I can explain. See, what happened was, I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil, and then, all of a sudden, the Fembots came by, and smoke started to come out of their jubblies. So I thought I'd work my mojo, right? To counter their mojo. We got cross-mojo-nations, and their heads started exploding. You know, that thing. And I ended up in my knickers here, and-- [exhales]
• Pardon me for being rude.

It was not me. It was my food.

It just popped up to say hello,

and now it's gone back down below.

• [Austin tries to resist the Fembots] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [Fembot: [stands over Austin] Give it up, Mr. Powers. [opens her legs]] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

• Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. And yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!! [ejecting most of the henchmen, minus Number 2, Frau Farbassina, and Mustafa] Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?!
• Throw me a frickin' bone here!
• My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe, with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicl*s. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
• There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
• Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom for... $1,000,000.
• [to Scott, who is cornered by Austin] I had the group liquidated, you little sh*t. They were insolent.
• [last lines; in his frozen chamber at the end of the film] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

P.A.: Stage 5: Evacuation beginning. [Austin urinates in the toilet for a long period of time; all the while, Basil looks at his watch, until Austin has stopped] Evacuation com- [Austin continues urination; stops again] Evacuation com- [trickle] Com- [trickle] Com- [trickle; slight pause] Evacuation com- [Austin continues urination]

Clerk: [returns Austin's personal effects after the reanimation process] One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

Austin: That's not mine.

Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers.

Austin: I'm telling ya, baby, that's not mine!

Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Clerk: One book: "Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)", by Austin Powers.

Austin: Ah.

Clerk: Just sign the form.

Austin: Okay, thank you, handy man. I'll sign here, just to get things moving. [laughs] You know.

Dr. Evil: [his face is still not shown] Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years, but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa, complications arose in the unfreezing process.

Mustafa: But my design was perfect.

Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [reveals that Mr. Bigglesworth is now hairless]

Mustafa: But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process.

Dr. Evil: Silence! [pushes a button; Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into the pit of fire; his face is finally shown] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.

Mustafa: [offscreen] Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Mustafa: [offscreen] Hello, up there! Anyone?! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Dr. Evil: Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet- [Mustafa starts again] Excuse me. [picks up his phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.

Henchman: [on the phone, almost inaudible] Is he dead yet?

Dr. Evil: No. Not dead. Burnt, badly.

Henchman: [on the phone] Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?

Dr. Evil: Yes.

Henchman: [on the phone] Kill him?

Dr. Evil: Right. [hangs up]

Mustafa: [offscreen] If somebody can open the retrieval hatch, down here I can get out. See, I designed this device myself- [a hatch is heard opening] Oh, hi. Good. I'm glad you found me. Listen. I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!

Dr. Evil: Okay, moving on.

Mustafa: [offscreen; last words] You shot me right in the arm! Why did- [another gunshot fires; all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]

Dr. Evil: [after a slight pause] Right.

Dr. Evil: Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin. His trademark: A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

O'Brien: [Irish accent] Yeah. They're always after me lucky charms. [Dr. Evil and Frau snicker and chortle respectively] What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms! What?

Frau: [German accent] It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun man! Leprechaun man! We want to get your Lucky Charms!" Oh. And there are these little, tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So, that when the kids eat them, they think, "Oooh, this is candy, I'm having fun!".

Vanessa: Ow!! [turns of the music and rotating bed] Mr. Powers! I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depends on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin: [happily confused] What's your point, Vanessa?

Frau: Remember when we froze your sem*n? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back, we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever.

Dr. Evil: Oh, sure.

Frau: Well, after a couple of years, we...got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I vant you to meet your son.

Dr. Evil: [shocked] My son?

Frau: Ja. [shouts] SCOTT!!!

[Scott enters, wearing his regular 90's clothes and hairstyle]

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott.

Scott: [confused] Hi.

Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr. Evil.

Scott: I haven't seen you my whole life, and now you come back and just expect a relationship? [scoffs] I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?

Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?

Scott: No.

Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.

Scott: No way.

Dr. Evil: Come here.

Scott: I'm not comin' over there.

Dr. Evil: Let's go.

Scott: Forget it.

Dr. Evil: Pronto.

Scott: What are you doing?

Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. [vocalizes weirdly while he dances the Macarena] Haaa! Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein. Give your father a hug.

Scott: Don't touch me!

Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug!

Scott: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

Casino Dealer: 17.

Number Two: [inconspicuously scans the next card with his X-ray eye patch] Hit me.

Dealer: You have 17, sir.

Number Two: I like to live dangerously.

Dealer: [reveals the next card] 4. 21. [turns to Austin after dealing him his next card] 5.

Austin: [waves his hands over his cards] I'll stay.

Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.

Austin: I also like to live dangerously.

Dealer: As you wish, sir. [flips his cards over] 20 beats your 5. I'm sorry, sir.

Austin: Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby.

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!

Number Two: Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. [pause] Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.

Dr. Evil: sh*t. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!

Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money. [pause] Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...One...Hundred...BILLION DOLLARS!

Austin: That's Dr. Evil's cat!

Vanessa: How can you tell?

Austin: I never forget a puss*...cat.

Vanessa: [giggling] Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell.

Austin: No, this is me in a nutshell. [acts as if he were in a nutshell] "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell. What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy."

[Vanessa cracks up laughing]

fa*gina: How dare you break wind before me?

Austin: I'm sorry, baby. I didn't realize it was your turn.

Scott: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Therapist: Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here. We might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.

Dr. Evil: Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

Scott: This is what I'm talkin' about.

Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.

Dr. Evil: An evil vet?

Scott: No. Maybe like work in a petting zoo.

Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?

Scott: You always do that!

Vanessa: Austin, can I have a word with you?

Austin: Of course you may, love.

Vanessa: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary. You know, Miss fa*gina? I don't wanna sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.

Austin: No, don't be sorry, baby. You were right to be suspicious. I shagged her.

Vanessa: [shocked] What?

Austin: I shagged her rotten, baby! Yeah!

Vanessa: I don't believe you, Austin! She was repellent!

Austin: Saucer of milk, table 2. [meows like a cat]

Vanessa: Did you use protection?

Austin: 'Course. I had my 9-millimeter automatic.

Vanessa: You know I meant, did you use a condom?

Austin: [laughs] No! Only sailors use condoms, baby.

Vanessa: Not in the 90s, Austin!

Austin: Well, they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port. [Vanessa huffily heads to bed] Vanessa, don't have a thrombo! Alotta meant nothing to me.

Vanessa: Well, it means something to me. Austin, if you want us to have a relationship, you have to get it into your head that times have changed! You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore, and if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that!

Austin: [feeling rejected] Vanessa, you're everything to me.

Vanessa: You just don't get it, do you? Good night, Austin. Welcome to the 90s. You're gonna be very lonely. [closes the doors]

Vanessa: Morning, Austin. You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years. The fall of the Berlin Wall, first female British Prime Minister, end of apartheid.

Austin: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming. No.

Dr. Evil: Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

Number Two: Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.

Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?

Number Two: Sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Right.

Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill-tempered?

Number Two: Absolutely.

Dr. Evil: That's a start.

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

Scott: What, are you feedin' him? Why don't you just kill him?

Dr. Evil: No, Scott, I have a better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

Scott: Why don't you shoot him now? I mean, come on, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot 'im together. It'll be fun. Bang! Dead. Done.

Dr. Evil: [angrily] One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister, and I am not joking!

Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. [the guard starts dipping mechanism] Close the tank!

Scott: Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.

Dr. Evil: No-no-no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Scott: I have a gun in my room. You give me 5 seconds, I'll get it. I'll come back down here, BOOM! I'll blow their brains out!

Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

Scott: It's no hassle-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: But-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: All I'm say-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: They're gonna get a-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: I'm just-

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: Would-

Dr. Evil: Knock-knock.

Scott: Who's there?

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Scott: But-

Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Shh! Shh! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive "Shh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "Shh!" with your name on it.

[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated by the sea bass]

Austin: Not a good time to lose one's "head".

Vanessa: Indeed.

Austin: That's not the way to get "ahead" in life.

Vanessa: No.

Austin: It's a shame he wasn't more "headstrong".

Vanessa: Hmm.

Austin: He'll never be the "head" of a major corporation.

Vanessa: Okay, that'll do.

Austin: Okay.

Fembots: [one by one] You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

Austin: Au contraire, baby. I think that you can't resist me.

Austin: [holds Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care.

Scott: But, Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group!

Dr. Evil: I had the group liquidated, you little sh*t! They were insolent!

Scott: [pushing away from Austin's grip] I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! [runs off]

Dr. Evil: Oh, Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly. [Number Two arrives with two briefcases and a gun] Ahh. Number Two, your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.

Number Two: [points his gun at Dr. Evil] No.

Dr. Evil: What?

Number Two: Dr. Evil, I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world class multi-national. I was going to have a cover story with Forbes. [Dr. Evil puts his hands up] But you, like an idiot, want to take over the world. And you don't realize there is no world anymore. It's only corporations.

Dr. Evil: [puts his hands down] Silence, Number Two!

Number Two: No! [whimpers] I've had enough of you pushing me around! [to Austin] Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting. [sits down on a chair while Austin walks forward to the table in front of him]

Dr. Evil: All right, I've had enough. [pushes the button that causes Number Two's chair to tilt back and drop him into the pit of fire]

• If he were any cooler, he'd still be frozen, baby!
• Frozen in the 60's... thawing spring '97, baby!
• Debonair. Defiant. Defrosted.

• Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil
• Elizabeth Hurley - Vanessa Kensington
• Michael York - Basil Exposition
• Mimi Rogers - Mrs. Kensington
• Robert Wagner - Number Two
• Seth Green - Scott Evil
• Fabiana Udenio - Alotta fa*gina
• Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina
• Paul Dillon - Patty O'Brien
• Charles Napier - Commander Gilmour
• Will Ferrell - Mustafa

Encyclopedic article on Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery on Wikipedia

• Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Sound clips from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery at MovieSounds.com

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